How do you raise an “Alien Baby”?

You must follow certain rules if you plan to foster or baby shower catering adopt an Earthling child. Certain requirements must be met. You must keep your home clean at all times, not just on the inspection day. Children can’t be looked after if they are under 21. You must have a source of income. Fostering an alien child is no different. These rules should be more strict. It’s good manners to entertain guests as you would your family.

First, you need to have a well-manicured and large lawn in order to take care of your alien babies. You may be asking, “What is this?” The answer is that an alien baby will eventually return to its mother planet. This can be done by using the mother ship as its mode of transport. You should be aware of this and keep it in your mind. The alien baby is the Earth mother; there are many other mothers. Yes, lawns are important. Keep them mowed and edges trimmed so when the mother ship arrives, silently at night with its unearthly glow, you won’t be embarrassed when your neighbors walk out of their homes in shabby slippers and robes. Even tired eyes can make a mess. The newspaper photos will show you are not ashamed. You should have a photogenic lawn that is ready for media coverage.

Another rule is that your house cannot have satellite dishes. You’ve seen those satellite dishes that look like they could be eavesdropping on every terrestrial and extraterrestrial conversation. These are no-no’s. Research has shown that even abandoned and unused dishes can retain their pings. Rocket Science is well aware of this phenomenon: satellites can still transmit pings even after they die. Your house should not be used by your alien baby to send messages back home to his mother planet. We are happy to communicate with the alien baby, but we prefer to keep it to a minimum. Remember: Our planet is first and country last.

Remember, there are no TV antennas. Maybe a family member or friend installed them for you. They may have fallen to their deaths in the act. This is not the right time to observe silence. You can remember the many people who died while installing those spiky, ten-fingered blighters later. These antennas can be used to send information back to mother planets. If we allow them, our alien guests will twist and grab every antenna-finger to reveal sensitive information about us. They will know everything about you if they live with you. They will know what your favorite cereal is, whether you like sweet or unsweetened cereals. They will also know your bowel movements, including how regular they are and whether you get discombobulated if you feel backed-up. While they will know this information, it is unlikely that you want the entire world to.

What would you expect Alien Baby them to do if they were given this useful piece of information?

We are not talking about that here. This is serious business. Let’s suppose we are going to attack their planet tomorrow. We want to take it and make it ours. To force them to harvest our potatoes, almonds, tomatoes, oranges, grapes, etc. You know that surprise attack is the best way to win in warfare. We are now planning to strike with the greatest surprise. Your house guest, your innocent alien baby, gets hold of this information, and decides that they will notify their people. They would surely strike our planet. They wouldn’t be merciful, you bet. They’ve taken our home, our dear mother Earth, and forced us to break rocks while we sing “By the Rivers of Babylon.”

Your alien baby will fall asleep fast, snoring lightly, and smiling a peaceful, calm smile by the time you’re done.

What Alien Baby Type of Environment do you need to allow your alien wards to Flourish?

Your alien baby is like a fruit. To thrive, grapes require a specific type of soil and weather. Contrary to what you might believe, alien babies do not need any special climate. Please do not alter the room temperature. There is no need for air conditioning or fan. A mild breeze is all that’s needed. Keep your home clean of dust mites, dander, furry dust balls and other allergens that could cause sneezing fits. Although you may not know it, the Okanukapi, an alien bird, can stop alien babies from sneezing. The sneezing will stop if you lightly touch the feather dust and pat their nose three times. How many people actually have Okanukapi feathers? You’ll be able to breathe easier if your home is clean.

You might be wondering what games you should play with your alien baby. You should not play hide-and-seek. They may hide but you will never find them if you try. They won’t come out if you stop searching and give up on them. It will soon become a losing game and you might need to contact the authorities. They will always follow the leader, so it is important to not be a follow-the-leader. They don’t know how to not follow the leader. You won’t stop playing. We’ll get to this more later. It is not a good idea to tag an alien, as being called “It”, isn’t good for their self-esteem.

You may also be wondering what to feed an alien baby. Mars Bars! What do alien babies eat, other than corny jokes? Alien babies can eat almost anything. They are as strong as an ox.

We’ll leave the topic at that. An alien baby can be likened to a self-cleaning oven. They don’t need to be bathed every day. They don’t need to be towel dried or powdered. They require very little maintenance. You don’t have to worry about the dreaded smelly diaper. Alien babies can be self-contained. They are able to use an industrial blender to extract their digestive canal.

Play dates are what you should be concerned about. Aliens don’t get along with other people, unfortunately. Our Earth babies are unnerved by something about alien babies. It is something Earth babies instinctively sense. They instantly start to point and shout. They seem to be looking at something strange! It’s like a dog with two heads. They will yell until their moms take them out of the picture. It’s strange because Earth babies aren’t usually discriminating, but here we have it. It would be ideal to raise your alien child in a quiet neighborhood with no Earth babies.

What Faith should you have for your Alien Child?

This is a very complex question. It is not known whether aliens possess souls. This question has been a subject of much debate for years. Many theologians have tried to answer it from many different angles. Many people have wondered if aliens have souls. Does that mean that they don’t sin? If they don’t sin, is that a sign that there are no heavenly consequences? If there aren’t heavenly consequences, should we then take responsibility for the violent acts they commit, sinners as we are? It is similar to asking if there is more sand in the desert than under the sea. These questions are of no use. Are you sure that the desert is sandless? Teach them how to assist an elderly lady crossing the street, to lift their hats when she passes, to not spit on the street, and to stop when a funeral procession passes. Teach them to never to look down on anyone with disdain, or to look up at anyone in fear. The alien is not human. While you are bound to fail, here’s the good news: an alien child doesn’t forget what he was taught.